WAKE UP, Jesse

Just because a man decided to make up for his mistakes does not mean the world will forgive him.

I can’t wait to see
If I’ll ever understand!

Until then,
I wait to hear from them.

Just please tell me,
“You’re going to be okay, Jesse.”

But if there is a problem on the table,
I don’t want to be revived.

Georgetown Hospital says I need to quit smoking if I want to be a donor. This may be a deal breaker.

I don’t want to be burried.
I don’t want a ceremony.

You should have done your taxes.
You should have signed the lease.
You should have not lied to me.

I don’t want to be burned.
I don’t want to be saved.

You should have never gotten involved.
You should have not been such a bitch.
You should have taken me from them.

I should not have fallen for any of this.
I’ll give you my guts, then I’ll go away.

Death is reminding me that
We are something,
Resolved to be nothing.

When I lay down
I can hear my heart
Inside my head
Beating the life out
Of my mind.

I can’t get past
This horrid rhyme
Because I know
I have to feel
The purifying burn.

But every time
I close my eyes,
The throbbing returns.

I never have a moment’s peace.
I’m tired of not being relieved.

I thought,
How did you find me here?

I smiled,
When I knew you wouldn’t tell me.

I just made the call to the transplant organizer. That was so unnecessarily nerve-wracking. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. What do I do? I am afraid of this. I am so afriad.

I am looking for your approval
But I always let your slightest movements
Fool.
Once, shame on you.
Twice, shame on me.
But you have made it to three.

I admit,
Your voice sounded strange.
I won’t dream about you again,
After last night.

I saw us meeting again,
For the first time.

Do you remember how windy it was
And how afraid you were?
But now all I see, a shadow
Of myself and her.
And everything is see
Is scaring me, the lover.

I remember how the wind blew, too.
And how afraid I was of you.

Mom doesn’t get stuck
In the floor, does she?

She won’t wake up too early
From going to bed late.

I can’t stand the way she acts;
Like everything is fine
When I see every night
That she cries herself to sleep
Because her husband
Has taken over my room.

Maybe she doesn’t care
As much anymore.
Maybe she’s fine with him leaving.
Whatever it is,
She takes it out on everything.
Everything.

There is something in the closet.

I wish that she would give me the answers
So that I don’t have to
Worry again.

Do you know who I am?
What am I?
None of my friends can tell me.
I think this about my brother.

Never ask me,
My opinion is insane.
Nothing matters in my life but love.

No one knows why I’m doing this. Not even my sister. Everything and everyone in my life is telling me not to do this. I know he doesn’t deserve it. I know it won’t fix anything. But nobody understands it how I do. THIS IS THE ONLY THING I’VE EVER DONE RIGHT IN MY WHOLE LIFE. And that makes me feel like everything has lead up to this point. It hasn’t lead to me finding my dream, or to some girl who I’ll spend forever with; it has lead to me, laying my life down, being a martyr, a savior. I need to save him. I have to. Isn’t it a little more clear to see it that way? I just want to be able to say I helped…
No one will ever know why but me.

Every single time
I get close
I feint.

The wind is calling me
In such a suspicious way.

I don’t know how to transact
Relate, react and complete this,
At all.

Every thing is gone,
It’s time, moving on.

Step outside this box
And make my own journey.

Somebody cut me open already and let’s get this over with, please. Oh, God, please. Fuck this. This is so fucked. Holy fuck.

I am going to be up all night,
Taking care of you.
Sometimes, when I get
Really worried
About what I put here,
I remember,
No one reads this shit.
And then I feel better.

This
Is the
Only thing
I have ever
Done right in
My whole
Life